in high school one of the few jobs i, frnkiero, landed and wasn’t fired from was a cashier at the corporate supermarket, pathmark. this job fucking sucked. the pay was shit, dealing with the customers was shit, your back felt like shit from standing on their shitty linoleum floor for hours, and you smelled like shit after work for some reason. actually to this day i dislike going food shopping, especially at a pathmark, because of the strange smell that i can’t pin point other than to say ‘ugh, it smells like a shitty supermarket in this shitty supermarket’. and just so you know that odor will latch on to you for the rest of the day, like you got your leg humped by some sort of food skunk. oh, did i mention there was an underground parking garage at my pathmark where every month or so an elderly customer got beat up and raped? yea, are you getting that this job really sucked? **wait! side note: wanna know exactly why being a supermarket cashier can eat my fuck? because for some reason, and don’t ask me why, but the fattest of women will only pay for their groceries with soaking wet dollar bills they keep hidden inside their convection oven bras, and strange men with eleven fingers will undoubtedly hand you their money by tucking it in between that skinny extra digit and their other whack ass pinky. if you’ve ever worked as a supermarket cashier you know i am telling the truth. this is an unwritten law of the trade and you will join me in the proclamation, ‘fuck you supermarket weirdos!’.** ok, so back to the point of my rant. i was in no way a model employee, i know this. i hated the job and i’m sure it showed, as i do not hate things subtly. however, the one thing i had going for me, and probably the only reason i wasn’t ever fired, i was a fast as fuck grocery scanner and bagger. seriously, my item percentage was off the goddamn charts, and no one in the store could even come close to matching it. i remember at every employee meeting the boss would sit us down and talk about cashier performance and the ‘pathmark’s club 365’, how it related to your scanned item percentage. (because the quicker you scan and bag, the more people come through the lines, and the more money they make blah-itty$blah-itty$blah$blah$ make sense(cents)? ok, good.) anyway, if you were fast enough to get into ‘club 365’ that meant you were a badass creme de la creme scanner, and you received a miniature raise and a nifty gold colored name tag to go with your new status….but for some reason no matter what my percentage, i never made it in to ‘club 365’. flash forward 16 years later: earlier today while cleaning out some old boxes at my in-laws house, my wife and i stumbled upon a few relics of her teenage years…care to guess what was among these long lost keepsakes? my wife’s pathmark name tag…'no way, in high school you worked at a pathmark too?’ i said, and that’s when i saw it. jamia’s old name tag just so happens to be made of a faded gold plastic…with the words ‘club 365’ engraved on the bottom. W.T.F? now listen, i love my wife with every ounce of my being. she is incredibly talented and successful at many, many, many things. the sun can go fuck itself as far as i’m concerned, the earth revolves around her. however, i know her extremely well, and deep down in the pit of my soul i know, without a shadow of a doubt, i can out grocery scan the living shit out of her any day. so i say, what gives pathmark? where’s my godamn ‘club 365’ promotion? i do not forgive and i do not forget. this. is. not. over! sincerely, frnkiero.
